For all you die hard Duke fans out there, it's time to pull up a chair or other similar sitting aid and reminisce about the days of old; when men were real men, women were real women, and the best kind of computer game out there was the 2D action sidescroller. Those were the days alright, or nights as it frequently was - when the bit of computer hardware that burnt out most quickly was the machine's internal speaker.

Reintroducing Duke Nukum, the game that started the craze that was and in some instances still is, the Duke Nukem saga. Complete with his warm blue eyes, oddly coloured jacket and eyebrows, immaculate teeth and an almost ineffable love for daytime soaps, the original Duke re-emerges triumphant and ready for ridicule, fashion tips and grooming advice. Of course, the avid game player should do his best to make allowances for such silliness, and thus without further ado I present Duke, in all his glory.

The Back-story: In the far, distant future of 1997 AD, the three quarter crazed genocidal maniac Dr. Proton has managed to take control of the Earth's largest city and therefore holds irrefutable power over all manner of things, including bus schedules, fuzzy slippers and cardigan shops, but more specifically and most unfortunately the human race in general. Along for the ride are savage little blighters that Dr. Proton has created and lovingly calls Techbots, which are in essence technologically advanced robots that range from prickly green slug things to giant spiky things which spin to deadly pink bunnies. Needless to say, these are all highly formidable foes and Duke would do well to avoid them - however in almost all instances this is quite difficult - you'll likely find yourself mindlessly blasting away at all the little moving pixels before you ever realise what's happening.

With the single exception in the above paragraph, this is where Duke comes in. Hired by the CIA to dispense with all these bloody Techbots (which are awfully untidy and are quite bad for leaving dirty underwear about) and most importantly that scientist-cum-jammy bastard Dr. Proton, it's your job to infiltrate his hide out, slap him across the back of the head and explain that such antisocial behaviour will not be tolerated; especially in such a futuristic societal structure where slavery and gratuitous cursing have been abolished and taking cities hostage really is a bit of a faux pas.

Had enough? Or is the temptation to see some silly pictures of some of Duke's most pixelated enemies simply too much? Whilst you choose, here's some light music for your listening enjoyment (requires SoundBlaster or compatible)

Never mind that my lad, take me to the silly pictures, forthwith!

Argh! Whisk me away from this page and place here a frightful picture of a Scotsman on the loo, lest I ever return.

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