The enemies of Duke Nukem are wide and varied, from humble fire hydrant to large, multicellular organisms with more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Here we'll visit the menagerie of monsters you'll meet in Duke Nukem 3D. In no particular order we present the following shots of models from the high resolution pack. These conversions are mostly true to form, and those with a nostalgic longing for 8 bit pixelated screenshots would do well to just grin and bear it. Without further ado:

About as likeable as a tin of pot noodles, the Assault Trooper is the grunt of Duke Nukem 3D. Deployed by the alien leaders as the first wave of invasion, they are armed with a laser pistol and the annoying habit of regeneration after death - unless of course you kill them properly. Although their weapon is not very powerful, a few quick blasts can reduce Duke's health a fair amount - especially when attacking in numbers. When killed, the Assault Trooper sometimes drops pistol ammunition that can be used by Duke, which is odd really since the laser rounds they fire are quite unlike anything resembling a pistol round - but hey, this is only a computer game. These chaps wear the standard issue blue jackets and their union is furiously campaigning for a more fearsome colour. They're not doing very well so be on the look-out, these guys are in a mean mood.

Assault Captains are very similar to the Assault Troopers, with the exception of having a slightly angrier coloured uniform and being the proud owners of a wrist-mounted 'Phase Induced Teleporter Device'. Using this fantastic piece of alien technology they are able to teleport to anywhere within the device's range, read: not very far, and are thus able to plan attacks with fear, surprise and a most ruthless efficiency. Well, sometimes. The Assault Captains wear red jackets and like their blue suited counterparts may also drop pistol ammunition after going off to join the choir invisible. In fact just before shuffling off this mortal coil you might be so lucky to witness a heart-warming, emotion-laden rendition of "Plant Your Boot in My Head You Lanky, Long Large Dude" in the alien's native tongue. For your copy of a full eight minute recording, please send a self addressed envelope to British Airways, Ingrams Drive, Redditch with four pink gingham buttons enclosed.

Pig Cops are the result of alien intervention with the LAPD, having mutated them in order to suppress human retaliation. The process of mutation was of course barely noticed by the city's populace until it was far too late, at which point somebody pointed out that quite a few more people were being killed than usual before promptly being blasted to bits themselves. Armed with a 10 gauge shotgun, strong body armour and a fair amount of body weight to throw around, the Pig Cop is an aggressive enemy and only continuous firing on Duke's part will allow him to escape unscathed. When a Pig Cop is killed, it may sometimes drop its shotgun or body armour, albeit now slightly worse for wear. Most of the time Pig Cops enjoy performing weapons checks at entrances to seedy strip clubs and providing patronage itself to said establishments, and spend time on duty jostling over who gets to go in the tank next.

The shark-shaped Reconnaissance Patrol Vehicle is relatively easy to shoot down, provided you're aiming in the right direction, and only when you allow it to hover directly in front of you will it return fire with its side-mounted laser cannons. Piloted by specially trained Pig Cops which have a habit of sometimes surviving after their vehicle has been blown up, no sooner will the vehicle hit the ground sending shards of pixels every which way than its former occupant will proceed to attack you with all the might and fury of the shotgun. Or something like that, anyway. The Pig Cops clearly enjoy riding in these things - just look at the image of glee on that fella's snout - the only course of action is swift death.

The Pig Cop tank should, when facing Duke directly and at a fair distance away, be treated as an object of fear. Its occupant will happily fire multiple rounds of hot metal into your body from safely inside its heavily armoured vehicle, however you have the advantage of mobility. Run behind the tank and hit the self-destruct button on the vehicle's rear end - you'll have a few seconds before the thing explodes. It was noted retrospectively that this was rather a silly place to have such a dangerous button and subsequent models of the tank have the button located safely inside the tank where it is not so easily reachable by aspiring vehicle arsonists, between the buttons for the air conditioner and doughnut dispenser. Fortunately for Duke the aliens are none too bright when it comes to paperwork and the order for the safer Series II tanks with the slide-back sunroof and red velvet upholstery was botched. The Queen was not amused.

Octabrains are delightful little blighters which enjoy gnawing on the heads of things which take its fancy and topping it off by firing at them with powerful blasts of mental energy. How's that for a day's work? When this happens the Octabrain's thoughts are momentarily transferred to the victim's brain and said victim subsequently suffers horrible internal injury from learning of the Octabrain's obsession with opera and cardigan shops. Needless to say, the Octabrain is a foe to be avoided, or at least dealt with severely. Even Duke, who is particularly fond of pink cardigans finds it difficult to withstand the intensity with which the octabrain loves cardigans - ponderings on the grain of the fabric, the optimum number of buttons for maximum mobility in combat, whether zippers really have any worthwhile advantages - are too much for Duke, who will actually cark it from a few concentrated hits. Octabrains generally inhabit dark, quiet areas from within which they launch their attacks, and if you listen quietly with a careful ear you can sometimes hear their renditions of their favourite opera singer, Bob Dylan.

Protozoid Slimers are lean, mean, brain sucking green things and generally do not appreciate being mistaken for appearing in 80's films involving ghost chasing agencies. As is more often the case they should also not be mistaken for hairy lumps of green mucous (which are slightly more terrifying, and certainly not something you want in your neighbourhood), although their reception to this simple mistake is reportedly slightly better. These bastards hatch from their eggs with a simple nervous system and a low tolerance to pain. A single shot from the pistol is enough to turn this creature into even smaller green jittery bits, but lining up the shot is the most difficult part. Slimers have an incredibly elastic body, have mastered some pretty nifty evasion skills and take good care of their teeth.

Ah, the controversial slimer babes that tied the censors' knickers in knots - do we mindlessly murder the poor lass whose fate is so uncertain, held so firmly in the grip of some groping alien force whose intentions are no less clear than a glass of old Yangtze Yellow, putting her out of pain and suffering? Or continue along our merry way, paying careful heed not to let RPG splash damage singe those lovely locks? It is human life, afterall, and more importantly to Duke, female human life. Can he somehow rescue them? Those viney strands don't look so tough - nothing a bottle of steroids couldn't help pull apart. What would you do? Write in and let us know - we'll put your answers here.

The enforcer, aka lizard trooper, aka that thing with the bloody chaingun, is a formidable foe. With a seemingly endless supply of ammunition, the Enforcer is part of the second wave of offense against the Earth. Its powerful hind legs enable this creature to jump over walls; which is of course one of the things that walls were designed to prevent, but one must face the fact that the Enforcer's social skills aren't entirely up to scratch and that the only way you're going to stop an Enforcer from performing architectural faux pas is to tie it down to a comfy chair and give it a stern talking to. Should that not work, independent studies have shown that association by pain is an excellent method of teaching. Other hindrances to taking the enforcer out to nice places include their tendency to spit acidic green bile at people it doesn't like the look of and 'accidentally' letting fire its chaingun while extending handshakes to new acquaintances, and laughing. The punk-era gold ring through the nose doesn't really help much either, especially at the sorts of dinner parties where people sit and talk about salad for hours.

This squat, flying behemoth of an enemy is a sign of worse things to come. Despite the fact that this bloke is armed with rockets and an anti-gravity spin deck which he likes to actively get your face caught up in, it isn't very hard to encourage the Fat Commander to fall off the perch and curl up his tootsies. A few RPG rounds aimed at its ample belly and some careful dodging on Duke's part will do the trick. It's a little known fact that due to an accident involving a time machine, a cross-fiction dimensional device and a large bovine animal, the Fat Commander family can trace its lineage back (and eventually forward) to Vladimir Harkonnen - the infamous Baron of House Harkonnen. The physical similarity between the Baron and your average Fat Commander is striking, the relation between the two made obvious further by their respective violent dispositions toward humans, or indeed, anything with two legs and a heartbeat. Dispose of these guys quickly.

Sentry drones are rather like large, mechanical birds, with one or two minor variations which more or less totally undermine an otherwise perfect analogy. One: they are equipped with an anti-gravity propulsion unit instead of wings, and two: they have a rather nasty habit of just flying up to you and exploding in your face for no apparent reason, as opposed to simply fluttering by, tweeting in your ear and and sitting on your shoulder for a bit. Because this happens all the time. The whole egg-laying bit is another small departure from the general precision of the analogy, but one which it is hoped the read will ignore. Anyway, Duke needs to watch out for these savage little blighters as they are incredibly evasive to his offense, most notable anything propelled by a rocket, and they take away a fair amount of health if successful in their kamikaze mission. Much akin to the amount of damage taken by an explosion in the face, in fact.

Although the picture somewhat resembles a rather ill looking E.T (ELLIOTT!!), this Motion Detecting Laser Unit won't be racking up any astronomical debt to the local telephone company, but instead firing at you with deadly accuracy - if you give it a chance. A couple of shotgun shots will remedy this. Of course, so will running away, coaxing other monsters to step into the line of fire or strafing from side to side while taunting it. The latter three are often ineffectual, however.

Sharks, however menacing and ominous they may appear at first, are not actually aliens. After doing some research I admit that this surprised me as well, but it seems that even the most astute of alien spotters can be caught off guard. Sharks can be found in water and sometimes in fishing nets - and in both instances can be quite bitey. Although more of a nuisance than an enemy, Duke will still need to watch out for these, even if it is just to take a happy snap to send in to Junior Angler Monthly.

The newbeast is so named for the fact that it really is quite beastly, especially in close quarters which is exactly where you don't want to run into one (with the exception of whilst in a port-a-loo), and also for the fact that it is new - new in the sense that it was introduced as a new enemy in the fourth episode of Duke Nukem 3D, the Birth. This guy is probably the most horrible thing you'll meet in the game, with the exception of a couple of the big bosses and various lumps of poo you find scattered about the place, and if it's not busy attempting to scratch your eyes out with very badly manicured claws it's firing shrinker rays at you and trying to squash you underfoot. You'll sometimes meet these fellas hung from the ceiling, upside-down and asleep, and most of the time you'll be safe so long as you don't walk into one or get cocky with your mighty foot. However, a newbeast attack involving any more than three of the things in a tight space can spell trouble for the inexperienced player - which we should really admit doesn't exist since the game is powering on into its second decade. Easiest solution: let rip with chaingun a-blazing and knock it off with something nicely explosive. Green goop for all.

The Battlelord is behind the alien attack forces against the Earth, and so too is he dressed up for the occasion. With an awful lot of terribly effective armour, mortar rounds, a stoop that would make the hardiest of chiropractors cringe and brandishing the biggest ripper you may well ever see (or quite probably the very last one you will ever see), the Battlelord is certainly a 'force to be reckoned with'. Only relentless offense from Duke will enable him to overcome this creature. The Battlelord is the boss of the first episode, and appears as a mini-boss in various places through-out Episodes 2 & 3, where he is somewhat easier to take out. The battlelord is fond of eerie green interiors and has a particular affinity for lava, something to watch out for when tackling this beast for the first time. Better have that RPG handy, you're going to need it.

The Overlord, complete with surgically implanted dual rocket launching systems and fear of the dentist is the boss creature of Episode 2. Looking something like a cross between a frog and a shark with a bit of lizard thrown in for good measure, this fella is the leader of the attacks on the EDF space stations, moon bases and generally anything not Earth-bound. This beast requires a lot of firepower on Duke's part before he will even pretend to lay down and play dead, but however difficult it may seem while dodging rockets the Overlord can be defeated - and it's vital for you to do so, if only to find out 'what happens next' - which is of course to play the next episode. You'll also get a neat ending sequence for Lunar Apocalypse, and a signed copy of the Overlord's three volume autobiographical epic, "I Was a Teenage Snaggle-Toothed Marvel" *.

The Cycloid Emperor is a grumpy character - perhaps because every time he reaches to scratch his nose he almost puts his eye out. Or perhaps it's because Duke has just single-handedly defeated his entire alien attack force and he just wants to level the score. Armed with a cycloid weapon (and hence its name), the Emperor releases volley after volley of rockets at his hapless foes. He sometimes even pauses to release ridiculous amounts of pent-up mental energy in Duke's direction, which would be quite wise to avoid. You think cardigan shops are bad. Try waiting three entire episodes and impotently watching on while some jumped-up steroid-pumped shotgun-toting smart arse knocked off a thousand or so of your best blokes. Unfortunately for Duke the Emperor holds grudges and he certainly isn't on this guy's Christmas card list.

What's blue, has multiple mammary glands and an erogenous zone extending for a three mile radius about its center of mass? If your guess was Eccentrica Gallumbits the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six you just might be the owner of a subscription to Playbeing magazine, or at the very least have rather good taste in science fiction comedy. Other incorrect guesses may include in no particular order: lonely North Siberian orang-utans, humpback whales giving evolution another stab and the Czech entry for the 2008 Beijing Olympics Women's Doubles Blue-Jelly Wrestling finals. The answer we were looking for of course was the Queen - and before you reach for that keyboard to bash out your shock and dismay at the sheer audacity with which the English monarch has been unfairly spotlighted for her strange lumpy bits, you should probably let us finish by saying that the blue creature in question is, in fact, the alien Queen. This is the big one, the boss to end all bosses (or at least the game) - this is what it's all been leading up to. This thing has a few nasty tricks in its arsenal, the least of which is biting the hell out of your face if you allow yourself to get too close. So tip one: maintain your distance lads. She'll also muster up a fair old storm of electricity - this generally hurts, so putting obstacles and again, distance between you and this behemoth is of the essence. Lastly, the Queen occasionally has a sit down and gives birth to a newbeast (and who can blame the old gal for needing a rest?) - which stays asleep until disturbed. Generally you'll want to avoid them, but if they are somehow roused kill 'em off quickly, the last thing you need while trying to knock down the Queen is a couple of newbeasts playing dirty.

* - This is a lie.

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